A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a double rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, ‘I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.’ The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, ‘Me too. I didn't know we had a choice.’

This courtesy of the Financial Mail:
If any proof were needed that South Africans have taken to cellphones in a big way, here it is: some parents have even named their children after terms used by service providers.

Bryan Habana's spectacular try in the dying moments of the Super 14 final could have far-reaching implications for SA politics.

'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
'Your sense of humour.'

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, ‘I have something I must confess – I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know, I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

'A lot of terrible things are said about the demigods who operate under the nom de guerre of Fifa, but they were absolutely right when they turned down Athlone as a venue on the grounds that nobody wants to risk getting ambushed, hijacked or mugged on their way to the stadium, let alone settle their flabby white bums on their comfy chinchilla-coated sofas in civilised cities like Munich and Zurich only for a maverick cameraman to pan across, at halftime, to the locals stabbing, shooting and raping each other on the street outside the stadium.'
– Cape Times columnist Ben Trovato

Billy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. When he asked why, the man, who was a priest, said. ‘I am a Father.’ Billy replied: ‘My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.’ The priest looked up from his book and answered. ‘I am the Father of many.’ Billy said: ‘My Dad has eight children and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!’ The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’. Billy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. ‘Maybe you should wear a c ondom and your pants backwards instead of your collar.’

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Still not happy with the way players of different SA rugby teams are chosen, Sarfu released the following set of new rules to be implemented with immediate effect:
1. The Cheetahs will choose at least five black players,
2. The Sharks will choose at least five Indian players,
3. The Bulls will choose at least five English-speaking players,
4. The Lions will choose at least five Jewish players,
5. The Stormers will choose at least five rugby players.

Courtesy of Finance Week.

One of life's disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank's ads is not the one who makes the loans.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up...and went golfing.

A nonagenarian couple married 70 years (he 96, she 91) spoke to The Star about the magic of their long and happy relationship.

An angry classroom outburst by a PE art teacher has attracted a worldwide audience after a secret cellphone video recording of his profanity-laden remarks was posted on the Internet.

Champion golfer Ernie Els is usually a straight shooter on the course and in a hilarious YouTube clip on the Internet, he proves to be a straight talker too.

Van and his wife were driving through Wales. At Llanhyfryd- dawelllehynafolybaarcudprin- danfygy, they stopped for lunch. Van asked the waitress: 'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us, and pronounce where we are - very slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said: 'Burrrrr - gurrrr - kinngg!'

Carlos Alberto Parreira's first press conference as Bafana Bafana coach could well have been titled Lost In Translation.

Following several recent successes in the SA movie industry, it was only a matter of time before someone came up with the idea of producing 'The Bob Skinstad Story'. In an 'exclusive interview on the iafrica.com com site, the former glamour boy of SA rugby (who fancies his 2007 World Cup chances), reveals that it's a toss up between Danny De Vito and Jacques Kallis to play the lead role while Scarlett Johansson is excited by the idea of playing Percy Montgomery.
Read the full interview on the iafrica.com site

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you are not going anywhere.

A South African New Year's greeting: 'May good luck stalk you, may happiness attack you and may all your miseries be hijacked.'

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Heavenly Father, look down on us, your blessed and humble expat wives, travelling this earth to lands unknown.

Cricket star Makhaya Ntini this week reminisced about his culinary experience during his first trip to Australia to receive coaching at the Bradman Academy.

A couple has been ordered to hold off on their love-making until after 10pm after following a string of complaints about their howls of passion.

Tips for motorists in the new SA